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When the guilt overwhelms
Aug. 13th, 2004 05:19 pmOne of the biggest problems I've had throughout my life has been feeling guilty for things I've done wrong. I'm not talking just big things. I'm talking feeling horrible, days-worth-of guilt for little tiny things. Like today.
Today Kouryou-chan had a school-friend come over for a day long playdate. L is a wonderful little girl, and L, Kouryou-chan, and Yamaarashi-chan all had a great time. In the afternoon, about 2:20, I asked them if they wanted to take a short ride to the thrift shop and the garden shop down the road. I needed to find out if the thrift shop had a lid for a tupperware jar I had, and I wanted to get a plant or two for the deck. Then, when we got back, we were going to stop by the ice cream shop five minutes from the house and get ice cream. Sounds easy, huh.
Well, when you can't drive, there is no such thing as spur of the moment planning. You just can't do it. You especially can't do it with children. Everything went well, but by the time we were finished doing the thrift shop and the gardening shop, despite the fact that where we went was literally a ten minute bus ride from the house, it was 3:30. The next bus wasn't coming till 4:00 pm. And L's dad was going to pick her up then.
I then realized I had left my PDA at home...which had his cell number in it. I just knew that he wasn't at home at this time, but I called his house number and left a message anyway, and we went to the ice cream shop across from the gardening shop instead (I had promised the girls we would). As one would expect on Friday the 13th, the bus was late, and we didn't get home till 4:30...and L's dad had been waiting the entire time.
Now, I explained the situation to him, and he's a very easy-going guy. L wanted to stay a little while longer, so they stayed for about fifteen minutes more and I gave him and his son who was with him something to drink and all.
But now I feel absolutely horribly guilty. And I'll feel that way all day and probably tomorrow as well. I fell down on the job. It doesn't matter that he forgives me. It doesn't matter that everything worked out all right. I've still got this image now that he has of me of a negligent parent who can't organize and can't take care of kids. And it doesn't matter whether he really has that image of me himself. Because I believe it. And I can't stop believing it.
This is guilt that stems from my upbringing. From life with a Victorian style dad. I love my father, but he did not raise me the way a father in the 70's and 80's should have raised his daughter. This guilt will never really go away. I just hope and pray that I will not ever put this guilt onto Kouryou-chan.
No one should grow up with it.
Comments off, because I couldn't handle what anyone would say right now.
Today Kouryou-chan had a school-friend come over for a day long playdate. L is a wonderful little girl, and L, Kouryou-chan, and Yamaarashi-chan all had a great time. In the afternoon, about 2:20, I asked them if they wanted to take a short ride to the thrift shop and the garden shop down the road. I needed to find out if the thrift shop had a lid for a tupperware jar I had, and I wanted to get a plant or two for the deck. Then, when we got back, we were going to stop by the ice cream shop five minutes from the house and get ice cream. Sounds easy, huh.
Well, when you can't drive, there is no such thing as spur of the moment planning. You just can't do it. You especially can't do it with children. Everything went well, but by the time we were finished doing the thrift shop and the gardening shop, despite the fact that where we went was literally a ten minute bus ride from the house, it was 3:30. The next bus wasn't coming till 4:00 pm. And L's dad was going to pick her up then.
I then realized I had left my PDA at home...which had his cell number in it. I just knew that he wasn't at home at this time, but I called his house number and left a message anyway, and we went to the ice cream shop across from the gardening shop instead (I had promised the girls we would). As one would expect on Friday the 13th, the bus was late, and we didn't get home till 4:30...and L's dad had been waiting the entire time.
Now, I explained the situation to him, and he's a very easy-going guy. L wanted to stay a little while longer, so they stayed for about fifteen minutes more and I gave him and his son who was with him something to drink and all.
But now I feel absolutely horribly guilty. And I'll feel that way all day and probably tomorrow as well. I fell down on the job. It doesn't matter that he forgives me. It doesn't matter that everything worked out all right. I've still got this image now that he has of me of a negligent parent who can't organize and can't take care of kids. And it doesn't matter whether he really has that image of me himself. Because I believe it. And I can't stop believing it.
This is guilt that stems from my upbringing. From life with a Victorian style dad. I love my father, but he did not raise me the way a father in the 70's and 80's should have raised his daughter. This guilt will never really go away. I just hope and pray that I will not ever put this guilt onto Kouryou-chan.
No one should grow up with it.
Comments off, because I couldn't handle what anyone would say right now.
