omahas | What do you think?

What do you think?

I need some advice, or maybe just some commiseration regarding this issue. We used to live in a society where people in your community would do nice things, and you wouldn't question it. They did it because they were nice, and that was that. But that was years--no decades--ago.

Now everwhere society tells you that if someone does something nice for you, you should suspect it, and more importantly suspect the ones who have been nice. And so I am in a bind as far as my emotions are concerned regarding a couple of recent events.

Kouryou-chan and I take the bus a lot. I have to use the bus to take her in the morning to her school, and in the afternoon to pick her up. And everywhere we go, people are constantly talking about how cute Kouryou-chan is, what a sunny disposition she has, what a good and well-tempered girl, etc.

A couple of them have chosen to make their affections for a little girl known in other ways.

There is a small car repair place on the corner where we get off the bus and wait for the bus to go home. This place has been there for ages (since the fifties) and the current owners are members of the community. The owner and his wife fell in love with Kouryou-chan one day when she got all upset trying to figure out what an awning was, and kept misunderstanding me when I tried to explain it to her (the place has an awning with the business name on it).

Several days later, after I had dropped Kouryou-chan off in the morning at school and had come back to wait for the bus, the owner and his wife came by and talked to me about it, and mentioned that they had been walking in the store the day before and saw a little bunny rabbit that reminded them of her, and they picked it up for her because they wanted to see her smile. They asked my permission to give it to her that afternoon when we passed by their place.

They gave me no feelings of wanting to do anything other than make a little girl happy, and I was impressed with them asking permission first, so I said yes. She was indeed happy, and since then they have done nothing other than to wave hello as we pass by each day.

The other incident was today. An older woman who I've seen on the bus before and is friendly and known by several other regulars on the bus as well had been talking to Kouryou-chan (well, in amongst talking to someone else...Kouryou kept interjecting her ideas and thoughts into the conversation ;) The woman has several sons, and one of them is the father of a girl, and Kouryou-chan apparently reminds her of her granddaughter a lot. So when we got off the bus today, she gave me a $20 bill and said, "Oh, get her something nice, she reminds me so much of my granddaughter."

These all seem to be normal, everyday people who just want to make a little girl happy, who like to see the little smile on the little face. I myself have found that smile on my face when seeing a child near Kouryou-chan's age walking down the street with their parent, or playing in a park, and felt a welling of joy in my heart. Each of the people mentioned above didn't have their own young children to be around now. The married couple didn't have children (indeed, the wife said until he'd met Kouryou, the husband wasn't all that interested in kids), and the older lady probably doesn't get to see her granddaughter nearly as often as she'd like to and never had a daughter.

But I keep thinking to myself, is there something wrong with accepting these gifts from these people? Are the gifts inappropriate? Do I think they are inappropriate because they are, or because society has made me paranoid? Am I missing the opportunity to appreciate the members of my local community, and let some people who just want to make a little girl happy do it?

Any thoughts?

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This is the true damage that the whole yellow journalism movement (remember the song "Dirty Laundry"?) has done, and that Dubya has promoted.... These are older members of the community, your parents' age, who grew up when such things were just being neighborly.... not that there's anything wrong with you looking out for the kid; after all, this is the 21st century, and stuff happens...

No, I think you can blame this one on "society".... and take steps as a member of that society to strike a happy medium between healthy paranoia and having some fun.

In both cases, it's significant that the people interacted with *you*, her mother. The folks who wanted to give her a rabbit asked you, not Kouryou-chan. The woman who wanted you to get something for Kouryou-chan and gave you $20 to do so gave it to *you*, not her.

I see nothing suspicious in any of this. In both cases, you were acknowledged as the parent, and were present for all of the interactions. Indeed, Kouryou-chan wasn't even there for one of them, so you would have had the opportunity to say No if you needed to do so, without disappointing her.

I think both actions were on the up-and-up and my first instinct doesn't say "suspicion", it says "nice folks being neighborly". I hope Kouryou-chan will learn from these early experiences and carry on in like fashion when she grows up.

This has to be one of the very best ways for kids to learn random acts of kindness.

I don't think these acts are inherently wrong. However, there have been (and continue to be) a number of people and other organizations that use "random acts of kindness" as a means of manipulation (telemarketers, ad agencies, Hari-Krishna's, etc.), and so our culture as a whole has become suspicious of such acts. I have a book, "Persuasion" by Cialdini, that you are welcome to borrow that talks about influence technologies, what they are, how they're used, why the triggers are there in the first place, and how to cope with it. Acts of kindness generally help set up a culture of cooperation and reciprocation. This may also be making you feel uneasy, as there is no obvious way to reciprocate, and thus you may feel obligated to them in some way that they may call upon later. This is further complicated by our increasingly heterogeneous society with divergent customs and expectations.

Anyway, that is my 2 cents. :)

riverheart says, since they're interacting with you when giving the gifts, they're trying to do this in as proper a way as possible. I honestly think these are open-hearted, loving gifts and should be accepted in that spirit. You've raised a wonderful daughter and you should be proud that she attracts love in this way.

I find it hard to be nice in the city rural areas, unless you are extremely needy and they will take it...without question asked.

I'm more part of my community here in Ephrata and Wenatchee areas. I am part of 3338 Eagles of Ephrata. I have secreted sister, she doesn’t talk to me, in-fact she doesn't like me at all.

She bases her opinion on me with in two weeks of me starting there while back. She never been to my house, she never took time to get to know me. All she based her opinion on is the outside, my appearance and what I was wearing.

I like to work on cars; I prune my own trees (if I can.)...the point is. From Friday and Sunday, it's my kick back days or when I'm on vacation. I don't have to get all dressy. Or some would say look like well dress woman.

Well any ways she was belittling me to a tee, one comment that really hurt was. “If you say that you work where you do...why you can’t at least dress the part, For one your hair is all dried, your nails are as dirty as mechanics, point blankly sweetie I dought it. No wonder you don't have man, you look like a dyke or wanna be biker *itch."

I go to the legion just to play darts or pool and hang out with the elder in the society. Not to gain recognitions as a Barbie Doll to get hit on. She comes in on the weekend with a silk shirt nice skirt or dress pants. You can smell her all the way in France sometimes. Sometime she looks like a million dollars, with ugly attitude.

Well she my secret sister and she needed cloths for her little girl, because she just lost her job. I went out and got her daughter some cloths and give her some of my little girl cloths that doesn't fit her any more. That made me feels so good, especially when I caught her little girl wearing my daughter's old cloths. She made the comment," My secret sister knows how to shop and she must be rich, dam look at these brand names items. I never buy or have the money too." A big ass smile comes on my face.

One day my daughter came home, said that her daughter bike tire is flat and it's rusty and all. Her mother had to throw it out. Couple weekends later, that little got my daughter’s old bike that was in good condition; just she grew out of it. My daughter is nine and her daughter is Five. I got her matching protective gear. Plus baby chair for her dolly. "Wow oh my goodness, I can't believe it my secret sister spent like 200.00 on my kid." She said. Well actually it was 75.00 just my daughter took real good care of her bike. The bike it self 4 years old was only 45 or 50. Just I clean it up and polish it.

Only reason I'm doing it, I like the way she smile, her little girl. All the little comment my secret sister is saying. She won't know who I am until January First. Then I get New sister but the point is...I just can't wait to see her face, how it going to make her feel so doltish and guilty for all the belittling she has done to me (I hope). I only buy her kid stuff not her. For she's a *itch and it makes me feel so good inside only too see that little smile on her daughter’s face. I could care less about her mother. So I really think people do things to make them feel good inside or just to see you smile as well as your daughter. I frankly don’t know you, you sound like sweetheart and how your husband makes you out to be and how wonder your kids are. So just let them feel good within and let them see the sweetness within you with a smile of a grand Thank You.

Thank you for sharing thou.

I agree with others here that if these people present their offerings through you it is appropriate.

I think these were individual instances of nice people doing nice things, viewed in contrast to a malignant society.

It's refreshing to hear about random acts of kindness by caring human critters. Sounds like appropriate acts too, paying attention to you, the mum, and your wishes. Old-fashioned sharing.

We've started getting to know people in our new neighborhood, and are finding that even in the local QFC, people will take the time to get to know you, to special order stuff you say you like, and look for things (like a pedometer) and call you to let you know they're in. In the grocery store! Getting to know the local-owned vid store folk, the take-out places, chatting to passers by. We miss some of the store-owners in the UDistrict who we've known for the last 10 years, but are quickly making new acquaintances. But I do notice that the locals where we are now are less suspicious, more open and friendly, more inclined to ask how your day is (and mean it). Nice.

Well I say these are just nice gestures by nice people. But not all people are nice, you need to watch out for the older guy trying to be uber friendly to your daughter and if any guy in any way trys and circumvent you and just interact with the little girl you should be wary of. yea im being a little paranoid but I say be wary of the males without a visable female companion. worrying about old ladies or nice couples...nahhh. they can relate to your position so its cool. (make sure you carry a sock full o pennies for the people that weird you out). to sum up most people are nice just dont trust men in general (yep Im bein sexist here, but I can be im a guy)

It is my belief that when we cannot accept kindness without suspicious, we damage the world. We make it a place where neutrality is the best we can hope for. It is true that there are dangerous people in the world who will manipulate with "niceness", but I think our instincts give us a trustworthy ability to recognize them *if* we are not so focussed on mistrusting everyone that we over-ride them.

Gavin De'Becker has a several good books on this. "The Gift of Fear" is the first, I think. As an example, he talks about how we teach our children not to talk to strangers. But if they *do* get separated from us, they will need to do exactly that. How much better for them to trust their instincts and *choose* who they walk up to for help, than stand there like a wounded bird until a predator chooses them. I can't recommend his books enough. As another example, he talks about how the woman who is constantly afraid will get into a lonely elevator with a man who makes her nervous because she's so used to ignoring constant fear to move through the world.

My (2.5 y.o.) daughter gets the same kind of attention you describe, and her Mama, who is not a particularly trusting person, chooses to allow it. She wants Jasper to believe the world is basically safe. On the other hand, if a seemingly kind person in the store causes Jasper to cling and pull back, we pick her up into our arms and walk away without guilt. (Likewise if *we* don't trust them.) We want her to trust her gut, not "social rules" that protect the predators that know how to use them.

Good job trusting yours.

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